I don’t know where my desire to be understood comes from but I remember in university, my friends teased me a lot about always defending myself. I do this out of my fear of being misunderstood so I do my best to explain my reasoning so my point of view can be seen and understand because guess what, I lose sleep thinking about how my actions come across to others. In the past fours years, I’ve grown more than I could ever think possible but I have always held on to my desire to be understood.
I used to be the kind of person who would always have a friend’s back and I used to have a high tolerance level for people but the straw that broke the camel’s back was a conversation about 4 years ago that made me depressed for weeks. I finally saw myself through a friend’s eyes and honestly, there was no going back from there. To recover my sanity, I let this friend and another go but honestly it still sometimes keeps me up at night thinking that they misunderstand why I made myself scarce…Sigh! But it was a necessary step to reevaluate what I knew about myself. It helped me rediscover my core values and get over my feelings of hurt and betrayal and in the process I fell in love with the simplicity of life as a loner. Now, I sometimes have a friend’s back and I sometimes look out for number 1 (me!😁). I made a new friend a couple of years ago and we bonded over our similarities and dating experiences but the one time I chose me over her, in a 2 year old friendship, it was over! She dropped me like a hot potato. I honestly see her point of view to some extent which is why I immediately reached out and apologized for not being a supportive friend but the scolding I received in return showed how much my point of view did not matter to her. Sometimes I wonder what she thinks about me now, mostly out of curiosity, but also because I worry that my actions were misunderstood simply because she could not see the situation from my point of view…Sigh!
I finally realized sometime last year that I really have wasted time and energy worrying about the impossible. No one, I repeat, no one, can ever be understood completely. We all see the world through different coloured glasses (points of view) even if we are the born of the same mother, so imagine how far at the end of the spectrum another person’s view could be that you’re not related to. An experience at work triggered this epiphany. Not to be too cryptic about the situation but I knew something that I didn’t even think twice about and someone I used to be close to found out what I knew and that I had known it for a while and was furious I didn’t share. I never even considered the information as something to be discussed. To me it was like walking by the copier room in the office and seeing someone using it. That is not news that I would remember 1 minute later and it is definitely not news that needs to be shared. This person’s expectations of me is one of the many reasons we are not close anymore. We see the world from completely unrelated points of view and I had to pull away for my own peace of mind.
So I gave up, not on friendship 😂, but on worrying too much about being understood. I will let me actions do the talking and even if they are misunderstood, as long as I can justify my actions to myself, ‘cos hey I am not a bad person😉, I’ll be just fine!!